When you’re drawing a phone in a children’s book, the rule seems to be that it must be an ancient one with a dial on the front. They’ve never seen a phone like that and they probably never will. So why draw one?

And if you’re drawing a music player – make it a wind-up 78 rpm gramophone. It confuses the hell out of the child but hey, it’s an idiom, and doing anything else would require thought?

One the phone? Tried just talking? You’ll find they can still hear you, and the rest of us then don’t have to.

Sometimes it’s best not to share.

It’s true after all. Free-range eggs really are free-range. They move. Fast enough to race!

Amazing.

Eat less, exercise more, and don’t kid yourself.

For most of us it really is that simple, and that difficult.

Socks and sandalls. At the same time.

Not cool. Never cool. Just stop, OK?

When someone is clearly going insane we, as a society, on a good day, will try to help that person.

However, when that insanity has a religious slant then that’s different, we’re hands-off – leave the tortured soul alone, or even encourage him. He’s going through hell, but that’s to be admired, praised, even revered.

Is that so different to our passion for freak-shows on the TV? Or is it just another form of distraction, of fun, of entertainment?

Got a large TV? Got hi-def? Looks good doesn’t it? Now watch a standard-def premium program. In the UK at least, with Sky, programs that Sky considers premium get a nice high bandwidth to play with and the result is very nearly as good as hi-def.

That’s because bandwidth is as important as, or perhaps more important than resolution.

So, once the hype is over, and we’ve all paid a premium for our new hi-def feed, and hi-def becomes standard – what do you think the providers will do with the bandwidth?

Keep the quality high? Or reduce the image quality to spread the available bandwidth over more channels? After all, the public always thinks that more resolution is the answer – just look at the way people evaluate digital cameras…

Have you noticed the way some people talk? And talk, and talk? Tried asking them to be quiet for one whole minute?

They can’t. They make their excuses and start to chatter. Push it, and they’re likely to cry.

When you talk, it’s difficult to think. For some people, anything’s preferable to thinking – when you start thinking, you have to start dealing with your life, your issues.

So they talk. They can’t think – and you can’t think whilst they’re within earshot – and they can pretend all’s well with the world.

For now…

The drug of all nations. It’s switched on when we get in, and stays on until we hit the sack. 95% drivel – game shows, soap operas, reality TV.

Without it, people would have to do something with their social lives – it doesn’t bear thinking about. Best just sit down and watch some TV.

Children’s TV presenters. How do they manage that smile? Whilst talking. All the time.

You have to wonder if they’ve all seen the same cosmetic surgeon. He must be an expert by now: a couple of stitches in each side of the mouth and hey-presto! Instant, persistent, grin.